Accidents at School

Accidents at School

The Man-Child and I only have one cell phone that we share. Not because we cannot afford two—although who really can today—but because I was paying over fifty dollars a month to have a fancy clock.

So in genuine Man-Child spirit, he forgot to remember that his phone ran out of minutes today, which left us running frantically to get minutes put on his phone this morning. Of course our luck being what it is left us waiting for the minutes to load even after purchasing the plan.

Long story short—and one Dunkin Run later—we went to pick our daughter up from school early because we had to get her brother right after that. When we got to the school, Kay-Bug was already in the office. I immediately panicked. Did they try to call us?

Not yet!

They were about too!

Weird, right? It get’s weirder.

So they explained that Kayleigh had an accident and had come to the office, but didn’t give us anymore detail about it. I checked her over, but she looked and felt dry. What accident? When I asked her, she told me it had happened way earlier in the day. Still, why go to the office now once the problem had kind of resolved itself over time.

I never should have asked!

The teacher brought her stuff to us and I knew something was going on. The teacher typically does not leave, she will have a helper being the things to the office. She walked over and I could see it written all over her face, “How do I say this?”

Great …. they tried to call earlier.

Apparently another little girl had gone into the bathroom and decided to poke around a little bit. For some unearthly reason she was snooping in the toilet paper contraption, which just so happened to be where my daughter had stuffed her underwear earlier that day,

Yes, you heard what I said.

So … the rest of the story went kind of like this:

The little girl comes screeching out of the bathroom holding my daughters panties like a war flag.

Teacher wonders where the hell panties came from.

Girl explains she found them in the contraption.

Teacher wishes she had become a doctor instead of a teacher.

Teacher gathers all of the girls into a small huddle—which I would like to point out might not have resolved anything because you never know what boys are wearing these days either—and proceeds to ask where said undies came from.

I expect my daughter was shitting herself right about now, but she fessed up and told the truth.

Daughter was asked to go to the office …. and we walked in at the same time.

I was speechless. What do you say to that? Why was the girl snooping in the toilet paper holder? I felt a surge of emotions and each one was probably not what anyone else wanted me to feel.

Relief– my five year old daughter can handle herself. She had an accident. Did she sit in it all day long quietly? Did she sit in her seat and cry like most five year olds would? I know the right answer would have been to tell the teacher, but she’s only been in school a week and a half. She didn’t know how the teacher would respond and was afraid she might get in trouble. So she took care of the problem, stuffed her undies in the only place she could find to hide them and went about her day.

I’m not a sick mother who would condone this behavior in front of my daughter, and we had a very long talk about germs and appropriateness, but I will admit I was a bit relieved to hear this.

Sadness– my poor baby had to deal with that all alone. Instantly I thought of her sitting in the bathroom, choking back tears, wishing I were there with her but being too afraid to say anything. She was probably lonely and scared. My heart wept for her ….

Frustration– why the hell was that little shit snooping in the toilet paper dispenser?

Pride– even though that had to have been an excruciatingly embarrassing moment, she did not let another take the fall. She stood tall and fessed up to her mistake. Sure, they might still tease her about this day when she’s in high-school but goddamnit my daughter is brave! I don’t even know if I could sit here and tell you I would have admitted to that. Would you?

We all handle things differently.

I am glad they found them today because I hate to imagine the scene that would have unfolded had my daughter came home without underwear on. Luckily that did not happen, they didn’t call before we got there and the teacher brushed it off as normal kindergarten behavior. We all learned a lesson today:

Man-Child learned that he needs to be better organized and take responsibility for adult things.

Kayleigh learned that even though it can be hard, telling the truth is always right.

Teacher learned that she made a bad career choice.

Little girl learned not to stick her nose in places it doesn’t belong.

I learned that my daughter is going to be just fine …..

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Why Is Being A Parent So Terrifying?

Why Is Being A Parent So Terrifying?

I remember sitting in the emergency room. My stomach knotting with anticipation. I had a pretty good idea what I was bound to learn that night, but there was always a chance it could go another way. Looking back, I don’t think I was nervous about being told I was pregnant. I think I was scared they were going to tell me I was wrong.

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Me + Thunderstorm = Love

Me + Thunderstorm = Love

I know this post is not about being a parent. It’s not a rant about my latest adventure with the kids. I am actually going to take a moment to pay tribute to something I enjoy. So grab your calendar because me time only comes but once a year, and I’m using mine tonight!

I love thunderstorms. There is something about the rain, wind, thunder and lightning that mingles together and creates this powerful creature in the sky. Like someone is up there saying “Hello, I am here and looks what I can do!”

We must have a chain of them floating through tonight because this is the third or fourth decent one we have gotten. I hear the thunder and I want to be outside. Obviously, I’m shitting my pants the entire time, but I love sitting here and listening to the rain hit the trees, and the thunder rumbling. It’s refreshing.

I sometimes wonder if we really know what’s going on up in the big blue. I mean, think about it. We are taught from a very young age that “this is the way the world works.” It makes sense because they tell us it does, but what if it didn’t? It’s hard to imagine sitting out here tonight that thunder is the result of clouds running into one another. There is a lot going on everyday behind the scenes that we just take for granted. Sure, we check the weather to see if it is a good day to plan a trip to the beach, but do we know why the sun is shining that day? We really don’t ….. not all of us anyways. We are a world full of people who walk around thinking we all know something when really we only know what someone else has told us was the truth.

Am I listening to the battle of a few angry clouds? Who knows …. It sure is a hell of a thing to think about though.

 

Being A Mom Is Like ….. Whaa?

Being A Mom Is Like ….. Whaa?

Cute little outfits on perfectly manicured children. Children who stand politely off to the side and wait to be spoken too. Maybe even give a little curtsy?

God if this were true I would have eight more!

Do you want to know the reality of parenthood? A never-ending mess. I’m not kidding. You can break yourself cleaning all day long and I promise you those kids are taking mental notes on what to mess up first. Constant …. toys scattered everywhere, puzzle pieces in the corners, fingerprints on the walls (or a smushed bug or two if you’re really lucky!), discarded clothing – that was likely not even worn long enough to get dirty and little people cannot grasp the concept of a HAMPER, crayons, books, and stuff you never knew existed all piled around the house.

But wait ….. there’s more!

You might be one of those Martha Stewart wannabes …. I’m totes guilty of this, this is me too …. but there will come a time when the wool you’ve pulled over your eyes becomes transparent. You kill yourself to make your house a “home” and just when you think that eight hours of cleaning and housework was enough, a drink gets spilt, or muddy footprints come racing across your floor.

It is literally …. never ending!

So reality number one ….. constant mess!

Number two ….. constant chaos!

Imagine, if you will, all of the errands you do on a daily basis. Now add a screaming, impatient child who is focused on nothing but what they want to be doing instead into the mixture. Standing in line at the bank like

“I wanna go to the park”

“We can as soon as our errands are done”

“I want to go to the PARK right NOW”

“I know but we have to do this stuff first, please be patient”

“Can we go after this?” – Hanging upside down on the pole that separates the lines –

“We have a few more things to do but then we can go to the park, and get down that’s not a toy!”

“I really want to go to the park right NOW” – Is now swinging around the pole whining and people are starting to look at you –

“Honey, we will later but you need to be good and stop playing with that now” – Trying to get everything in order and tell the clerk what I need done –

“Moooooom I want to go to the green park, I don’t want to wait” Jumping on counter and grabbing things out of my hand –

Like this is everyday, all day long people, okay! There are no calm moments, no peaceful drinking tea while enjoying a good book moments. Unless your children are chained down in the basement those Instagram mommies posting pictures of hot steamy tea and chunky blankets are lying out their asses!

Okay so constant mess, and constant chaos …..

Which brings us to number three ….. FIGHTING non-frickin-stop over the stupidest things you could possibly ever imagine! They both want the green crayon. So I, being the smarty-smarty that I am, grabs a second green crayon, problem solved right? WRONG! One green crayon is sharper than the other and that is now the center of this fight!

What the shit ….. a less level-headed person would break both crayons and then throw them in the garbage disposal while laughing maniacally. Which is exactly what I did ….. Nah, I got a sharpener but that just led to a fight about which picture they wanted to color, and then which coloring book they both wanted, which led to a fight over what color the flower was they saw last Tuesday afternoon!

You might think I’m kidding, and if this is not your parenting reality than congratulations (asshat) because you have cracked the code! This is every day life when you have children. Especially children who are around 4-6 years old!

Sometime you just sit in the middle of it all and start to cry. Just kidding about the crying, most days, but you wonder how this became your life. What happened to hopping in the car with nothing but a purse and going to do whatever you wanted all day long. Now you cannot leave the house without a carry-on bag full of snacks, drinks, toys, and wet wipes! What happened to watching T.V or reading? The only thing I read now is children’s books, and the instructions on medications! Trying new recipes or baking ….. hahahaha. HAHAHA ….. pasta and chicken nuggets are your life now!

People say your life changes after children, and I though “Not mine ….”

I’ve never been the brightest lightbulb in the box!

Then your child falls down and cries for you. You run over and they cling to you like you’re the most important thing in the world. They worship you! When they see a straggler flower they think of nothing else, their entire world stops, and getting that flower for your becomes everything in that moment! They ride their bike across the sidewalk alone for the first time and they turn around to look at YOU, eyes filled with pride, yelling “I love you Mommy” before they ride away.

God damn if that is not worth slugging through the other 23 hours of the day for huh?

Taking My Circus To The Circus

Taking My Circus To The Circus

Yeappers, the circus is back in town this weekend. Oddly enough, my daughter chose two days ago to fondly reminisce about going last year. I had thought about not going this year – I spent a freaking fortune last year – and then Kay-Kay slammed this little pile of cuteness right on my head …

“Remember when I rode the elephant last year, that was fun, but we didn’t get to ride the donkey. HEY (eyes sparkling like a Chinese cartoon) maybe we can do it this year!

Shit. Was the thought that went through my mind, quickly followed by a quick calculation of if we could afford to go THIS WEEKEND! That was of course not what I said, what I said was …

“Donkey?”

I know there’s a lot to see, and it was possible I missed something, but I am almost entirely sure I would have noticed a donkey ride!

“Yeah mom, the lumpy donkey! Dom-Dom said it had two lumps but it had three!”

Maybe I should nix the circus idea and get her a tutor ….

“You mean camel?”

I learned two things from the conversation we had that day: 1. we have GOT to start watching more National Geographic, and 2. I was going to the circus this weekend.

So we went …

I have a pretty awesome job, with a pretty awesome boss, and my plan was to get out of work, go home, feed the kids a big supper, and haul ass to the circus, but like I previously mention (I have an awesome job and boss), so we ate at my work instead. Saved me a huge headache! Appreciated! Plus it made it much more fun for the kids who did not yet know they were about to learn a lesson about the word no!

See, last year I literally spent way to much money, but most of it was unnecessarily spent. It’s 12 dollars a person, and there are four of us, so getting in costs about fifty bucks. The other hundred and fifty was spent on food, toys, drinks, and the elephant ride during intermission. Well, not this year. We were bypassing all the trinkets, and eating before we went!

That was another sneaky part of the plan, kids get to eat out, makes it more special, and softens the blow when they’re told no about other stuff. Thanks again boss!

I was amazed! Honestly! My kids did amazingly ….

They had a great time at supper, and were totally okay when we had the pre-convo about not getting extras. Grampy came by before we left and gave them money for the “donkey ride” but otherwise they never asked for anything!

I was worried they would get there and see the flashing toys then all hell would break loose, but nope! Dom got a little restless and kept mindlessly asking for things, but he was okay when reminded about the word no. Kayleigh never even asked! I did catch her staring dreamily at the toy vendors each time they walked by but god damnit that girl did not ask ONCE! I could have cried I was so proud.

You would have to know my daughter to understand why I feel this way. I have spoiled my kids to a certain extent, and because of that she typically gets her way. Recently though, we have started working on the word no, but that went over like a fart in church. She whines, she cries, she threatens to pop my head off in the middle of Wal-Mart (yes that happened) and it’s a big mess. That girl sat there wanting something, but understanding beyond her years that Mommy couldn’t get it today, and that was heartbreaking as a mother!

All in all, it was an awesome night. Prior years left me with a board child trying to climb the seats, scrape gum off the floor, and see how close she could get her foot to strangers heads before they noticed, but this year she sat there and watched everything!

The only downside is that now she wants to be an acrobat …. I kinda hope I can talk her into something a little more safe. Maybe dog training ….

 

Ps. No lumpy donkey rides this year …. Boo …. but they loved the pony rides! For 10 bucks a pop I was sincerely hoping the fracking things would grow a horn and start flying in a circle but …. no such luck!

Always next year because two things are certain in life ….. Death and clowns robbing you blind once a year!

Let me tell you about Easter …

Let me tell you about Easter …

We don’t go to church. Not because I don’t believe in a higher power then myself, but because I don’t know what I believe. I’ve had to many bad experiences with churches who beg for money the entire time. So, we don’t go to church.

Although, as a side note, I have thought about getting my daughter into Sunday school because I think she should be educated enough about religion to make a desicion on her own. So, we might someday go to church, but we don’t right now ….

Anyways, my point? Oh yeah!

So I generally work on Easter morning. This year was no different, and I had to work at eight in the morning. Which I don’t mind because I wouldn’t forego a Sunday morning shift anyways!

I cannot buy anything ahead of time because we live in a small apartment with zero storage space. Anything I buy gets stumbled on or found somehow so I usually wait until the last minute. I wanted to do something a little different this year. Instead of a basket of candy I thought it would be a good idea to get stuff they could play with this spring. I spent some time browsing through neat Easter basket theme ideas (even wrote a post on it over at MommyDaddyKids.com , and found some neat ideas. The umbrella idea fascinated me so I decided that was the one I wanted to try.

I am my mothers daughter, and I procrastinate like I’m heading towards the electric chair instead of buying Easter gifts, so staying true to my roots I didn’t get any shopping done until Saturday. As in the day before Easter! As in everything has been picked over and only the over priced shit is left!

Do you have any earthly idea how much SHIT you need to fill an umbrella? Like, seriously? I feel like people should warn you when they post their cute little crafty pictures, of their perfect umbrella baskets, that your going to be spending at least fifty bucks an umbrella. Unless you’re me, and you wait until the last minute, then you’re looking at a couple hundred easy!

*Face Palm*

Take a moment to really feel the face palm …. and moving on!

So I told my kids that we needed to get to bed super early so the bunny would come, which they surprisingly agreed to easily enough.  Unfortunetly, Mamma fell asleep too!

I’ll take my mother of the year award in any color ….

I woke up at about 5 am, stretched a little, and it hit me like a ton of bricks …. The Bunny Never Came! Scenes of my children waking up flashed through my mind, devastated faces, why mommy? Why did he skip us?

I kicked my boyfriend as hard as I could, because hell, might as well get some kind of enjoyment out of this, and we sprung into action.

Easter Bunnies on Crack!

Shit, I should make a YouTube channel!

I filled eggs as fast as he could hide them. I tried the umbrella idea but really it turned into an umbrella/wagon/last years buckets idea. I didn’t get the stupid grass (I hate the shit anyways!) so we used pipe cleaners as grass. All in all, it came together.

When my kids woke up the Easter bunny had done his job and nobody was the wiser as to how close Easter devastation had been!

My kids didn’t really understand the pipe cleaners though …..


 

We spent the rest of the day (after I got out of work) at my moms house eating ham and playing with the new spring toys.

Then Man-Child came running past us “Your going to be mad”

Great!

He locked the keys in the car, again, like the 80th time this year! Luckily, he left them on the seat, so my sisters boyfriend fished them out in classic claw machine style. That was nerve wrecking!

I dream of people who spent the day getting on their Sunday best, sleeping in to be woken up by their excited children, having dinner with no emergencies, and you know what? I’m so glad I’m not one of those people!

This is what make memories!

My family might not be perfect but God Damn I wouldn’t have it any other way!

 

 

 

The Bittersweet Taste of Christmas

The Bittersweet Taste of Christmas

Decembers infused with holiday magic, but it can be hard, especially as a parent, to remember to enjoy all of the small cherishable moments. Sure, there are Christmas lights and garland sprinkled with berries everywhere you look, but you don’t have to look far to find a headache or two either!

I don’t mean to sound like a twenty first century grinch here, but seriously! We sit down as a family to watch a Christmas classic or two and they have been chopped all to hell to make “more” room for commercials, targeted at the children watching them. “Buy this eighty million dollar toy, if Santa loves you he will bring it!”

The elf on a shelf, what a clever idea! F’you inventer of elf on a shelf ….. F you! While you’re sitting back making millions on a sock puppet, I am tasked with the chore of thinking up new and exciting ways the little shit can ruin my house! While you are rolling in your gold coins laughing maniacally like Scrooge Mc Duck, I am forking over twenty dollars for a stupid elf outfit ….. did I say F you yet?

So I decided to do some good old fashion baking with my kids this year. They’re old enough this year, right? WRONG! Flour, frosting, chaos! Quite honestly, it was the most fun I’ve had all winter ….. !

Maybe I’m old fashion, but I remember Christmas being a much simpler time. Stores didn’t skip Halloween and Thanksgiving in order to get a jump on Christmas! You celebrated each one individually. Trees and decorations generally went up after Thanksgiving, and instead of being bombarded with ads and commercials pushing super expensive electronic devices, you had the Toys’R’Us catalog!

I’m here to remind you fellow parents that you’re not alone! We all feel the heat closing in on us! Wrappings not done, the kids don’t have an equal amount of gifts, you need to bake cookies for Santa, still need to pick up something for aunt Sue, and god forbid you forget the batteries!

I am here to tell you to slow down! Grab your kids, sit them down, and make them watch Charlie Brown with you, the entire thing, not the edited for commercial version! String popcorn, and sing carols, and be reminded of a simpler time. Take a moment to enjoy this holiday, and then get rested up for the after Christmas Sales!

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go destroy my kitchen with the elf … maybe next year they’ll invent one that cleans up after itself …..

You Don’t Believe in Fate? Then Explain This …

You Don’t Believe in Fate? Then Explain This …

Today made me think, everyday makes me think, but today really expanded my mind. I have always questioned fate and those who claim it holds power over each and everyone of us. How can you explain fate? You’re telling me that somewhere in this giant universe someone is keeping a record of everyone’s future? That some higher power commands your attention and directs you to be in the right place at the right time? Honestly, that is a massive theory. Then today happens … and I cannot help but wonder….. is fate a real thing?

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Things You Never Said Untill You Had Kids

Things You Never Said Untill You Had Kids

My fellow parents, you know exactly what I’m talking about! Your Mom always seemed to know how to insert an embarrassing quote or saying into every conversation and you thought “Boy, I’ll never do that!”

Wrong wrong ding dong!

(That’s number one btw!)

So I thought it would be fun to take a minute and create a list of the weirdest things never thought I would say …. ya’ll ready?

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Daddy Ticks and That’s Okay

Daddy Ticks and That’s Okay

Man-Child has a condition called Tourette’s. He doesn’t scream out in appropriate things like most people think …. THANK GOD! I have worked with people who do have that form of Tourette’s and I can honestly say that’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy! It’s a very embarrassing condition because you’re aware of what your doing but cannot stop it.

His form of Tourette’s is different. His ticks are more physical in nature and present themselves in the form of involuntary head and shoulder movements. He also clears his throat constantly and coughs. Sometimes it is very irritating when you talk to him because it takes him much longer to say something. His ideas get jumbled and come out in bouncy sentences because he gets nervous. The more aware he becomes of his ticks the worse they get.

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