Being A Mom Is Like ….. Whaa?

Being A Mom Is Like ….. Whaa?

Cute little outfits on perfectly manicured children. Children who stand politely off to the side and wait to be spoken too. Maybe even give a little curtsy?

God if this were true I would have eight more!

Do you want to know the reality of parenthood? A never-ending mess. I’m not kidding. You can break yourself cleaning all day long and I promise you those kids are taking mental notes on what to mess up first. Constant …. toys scattered everywhere, puzzle pieces in the corners, fingerprints on the walls (or a smushed bug or two if you’re really lucky!), discarded clothing – that was likely not even worn long enough to get dirty and little people cannot grasp the concept of a HAMPER, crayons, books, and stuff you never knew existed all piled around the house.

But wait ….. there’s more!

You might be one of those Martha Stewart wannabes …. I’m totes guilty of this, this is me too …. but there will come a time when the wool you’ve pulled over your eyes becomes transparent. You kill yourself to make your house a “home” and just when you think that eight hours of cleaning and housework was enough, a drink gets spilt, or muddy footprints come racing across your floor.

It is literally …. never ending!

So reality number one ….. constant mess!

Number two ….. constant chaos!

Imagine, if you will, all of the errands you do on a daily basis. Now add a screaming, impatient child who is focused on nothing but what they want to be doing instead into the mixture. Standing in line at the bank like

“I wanna go to the park”

“We can as soon as our errands are done”

“I want to go to the PARK right NOW”

“I know but we have to do this stuff first, please be patient”

“Can we go after this?” – Hanging upside down on the pole that separates the lines –

“We have a few more things to do but then we can go to the park, and get down that’s not a toy!”

“I really want to go to the park right NOW” – Is now swinging around the pole whining and people are starting to look at you –

“Honey, we will later but you need to be good and stop playing with that now” – Trying to get everything in order and tell the clerk what I need done –

“Moooooom I want to go to the green park, I don’t want to wait” Jumping on counter and grabbing things out of my hand –

Like this is everyday, all day long people, okay! There are no calm moments, no peaceful drinking tea while enjoying a good book moments. Unless your children are chained down in the basement those Instagram mommies posting pictures of hot steamy tea and chunky blankets are lying out their asses!

Okay so constant mess, and constant chaos …..

Which brings us to number three ….. FIGHTING non-frickin-stop over the stupidest things you could possibly ever imagine! They both want the green crayon. So I, being the smarty-smarty that I am, grabs a second green crayon, problem solved right? WRONG! One green crayon is sharper than the other and that is now the center of this fight!

What the shit ….. a less level-headed person would break both crayons and then throw them in the garbage disposal while laughing maniacally. Which is exactly what I did ….. Nah, I got a sharpener but that just led to a fight about which picture they wanted to color, and then which coloring book they both wanted, which led to a fight over what color the flower was they saw last Tuesday afternoon!

You might think I’m kidding, and if this is not your parenting reality than congratulations (asshat) because you have cracked the code! This is every day life when you have children. Especially children who are around 4-6 years old!

Sometime you just sit in the middle of it all and start to cry. Just kidding about the crying, most days, but you wonder how this became your life. What happened to hopping in the car with nothing but a purse and going to do whatever you wanted all day long. Now you cannot leave the house without a carry-on bag full of snacks, drinks, toys, and wet wipes! What happened to watching T.V or reading? The only thing I read now is children’s books, and the instructions on medications! Trying new recipes or baking ….. hahahaha. HAHAHA ….. pasta and chicken nuggets are your life now!

People say your life changes after children, and I though “Not mine ….”

I’ve never been the brightest lightbulb in the box!

Then your child falls down and cries for you. You run over and they cling to you like you’re the most important thing in the world. They worship you! When they see a straggler flower they think of nothing else, their entire world stops, and getting that flower for your becomes everything in that moment! They ride their bike across the sidewalk alone for the first time and they turn around to look at YOU, eyes filled with pride, yelling “I love you Mommy” before they ride away.

God damn if that is not worth slugging through the other 23 hours of the day for huh?

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